Hi! It's been a while.
Suddenly I just remembered that it had been a year since the whole thing turned upside down. Suddenly I remembered him asking what I wanted for my birthday and said "I'd buy anything for you". That got me astonished, "Like, really, anything?" I asked. "Yup anything, as long as I could get it for you, I'd give you anything" he replied as he hugged me. I was on the verge of my tears, no one ever said things like that to me before. I was touched by his kind words and soft gaze. But my heart was aching because I knew back then that our time was close. My mind went blank and I jokingly said "I want two billions then" because really, I didn't really wanted anything but him. He just laughed my joke off.
On my birthday he gave me a pen tablet that I'd been wanted to get but I couldn't. It might be the most expensive birthday gift I've ever received. It felt so grand, I was overwhelmed and couldn't really say anything. That was when he said "I couldn't give you two billions, but at least I hope this pen tablet could help you to get it". I remembered I was on tears back then. I had mixed emotion because of him cheated on me but still treated me like I was the most precious person in the world to him. Well, we broke up and I lost my job later, but if it was not for that pen tablet, I wouldn't have known what I would do with my life today. It could be worse.
I came back home on January for good, hoping everything will get better but alas, the pandemic stroke bad. I felt like a mess, a garbage mess. Until oneday, my friend said to me "You're so blessed, you came back right before the pandemic were here". It really felt like a huge revelation because I'd been questioning my self-worth alot those days. Later, my parents said "Thank God you're home now, we couldn't imagine you being alone at your flat, faraway from home in this situation". I felt that because me too. I'd had hourly suicidal thoughts if I were still on that old place. It could be worse.
It felt like things went downhill, but in an order. I still a huge ball of mess but I think this is fine. What else I could do, I just need to live with it. I lost a few things I dear the most and he got what I'd lost; a significant other and a stable job which he deserved to get the latter. Sometimes I missed the memories, I felt like I was loved for a brief of moment. The other times, I missed him so hard, just like this. Well, at least I'm still alive. Life could be worse.
