Turning 26

I turned 26 today.

I spent my day alone. I know I'd planned to stay alone this day, I even didn't go to my grandma's place like my family did. Little did I know it'd be this lonely.

I spent my day working my ass off. I didn't even know if my hard work will paid off but I did my utmost. At least for me, most of the times universe works differently.

I bought my favorite cheesecake today. I've been wanting to eat one but it's pretty expensive thus I decided to only eat it on special occasions. Turned out, it tasted surprisingly ordinary. I didn't know whether it was the cake or me.

I still got a few friends congratulating me and it made me a little bit happy.

I think today was okay. Nothing special to be honest, or maybe it was just me developed numb feelings.

Although maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be a little bit more special on this day.

Happy birthday, me.

It could be worse

Hi! It's been a while.

Suddenly I just remembered that it had been a year since the whole thing turned upside down. Suddenly I remembered him asking what I wanted for my birthday and said "I'd buy anything for you". That got me astonished, "Like, really, anything?" I asked. "Yup anything, as long as I could get it for you, I'd give you anything" he replied as he hugged me. I was on the verge of my tears, no one ever said things like that to me before. I was touched by his kind words and soft gaze. But my heart was aching because I knew back then that our time was close. My mind went blank and I jokingly said "I want two billions then" because really, I didn't really wanted anything but him. He just laughed my joke off.

On my birthday he gave me a pen tablet that I'd been wanted to get but I couldn't. It might be the most expensive birthday gift I've ever received. It felt so grand, I was overwhelmed and couldn't really say anything. That was when he said "I couldn't give you two billions, but at least I hope this pen tablet could help you to get it". I remembered I was on tears back then. I had mixed emotion because of him cheated on me but still treated me like I was the most precious person in the world to him. Well, we broke up and I lost my job later, but if it was not for that pen tablet, I wouldn't have known what I would do with my life today. It could be worse.

I came back home on January for good, hoping everything will get better but alas, the pandemic stroke bad. I felt like a mess, a garbage mess. Until oneday, my friend said to me "You're so blessed, you came back right before the pandemic were here". It really felt like a huge revelation because I'd been questioning my self-worth alot those days. Later, my parents said "Thank God you're home now, we couldn't imagine you being alone at your flat, faraway from home in this situation". I felt that because me too. I'd had hourly suicidal thoughts if I were still on that old place. It could be worse.

It felt like things went downhill, but in an order. I still a huge ball of mess but I think this is fine. What else I could do, I just need to live with it. I lost a few things I dear the most and he got what I'd lost; a significant other and a stable job which he deserved to get the latter. Sometimes I missed the memories, I felt like I was loved for a brief of moment. The other times, I missed him so hard, just like this. Well, at least I'm still alive. Life could be worse.

Maaf Ya Lagi-lagi Lagi Males Upload Foto

Aku suka naik kendaraan umum.

Halo! Selamat senja! Iya aku tahu ini nggak nyambung sama judul di atas. Contrary to most popular belief, I like taking public transportation. Mungkin aku seorang dari segelintir orang yang menikmati menggunakan kendaraan umum tanpa merasa terpaksa. Aku aneh ya? Yea I heard that a lot so it's doesn't matter anymore kekeke.

Ya walaupun sih naik angkot atau apalah itu benar-benar nggak praktis, berabe, sesak, kadang bisa ketemu sopir yg nyetirnya ugal atau suka ngetem lama padahal kita lagi keburu-buru. Yeah do not take public transportation if you were in hurry tho. Karena itu rasanya bakal gambling sekali, such a fortune kalau kamu naik di angkot yang sopirnya ugal. Tapi. Ya. Gitu. Tadi. Hati, jantung, dan nurani jadi nggak tenang.

Tapi untuk permulaan, untungnya aku tinggal di malang, dimana sistem perangkotan di sini mudah dipelajari, mudah dikenali, dan mudah ditemukan kapanpun. Like, you got your boyfie mad at you at 9 pm? Don't worry, off the car take me I'll be there for you. Ntap. (atau mungkin km bisa naik taksi sih, atau gojek, or simply do not off the car and face the anger)

Tapi seriously, kendaraan umum membantumu untuk tetap bersyukur. Gamblangnya, naik kendaraan umum gives the same feels like in airport or shelter or whatever it is bcs I like to wonder orang ini mau kemana ya, orang itu pakai baju santai dia pasti mau melakukan perjalanan jauh, orang ini sedang mencari siapa ya, gilak habis dari mana banyak bener kardusnya, or something like that.

Public transportation always runs slowly. Jadi kamu mendapat kesempatan untuk melihat segalanya yang ada di sekitar jalan dengan lebih dekat. Giving you a chances to wondering more. Mungkin kamu bakal satu angkot sama ex pengamen jalanan dengan rambut coklat terbakar mataharinya dan logat jawa ngokonya-ngoko, mungkin kadang ada juga ibu ibu habis dari pasar dengan sekeranjang sayur mayur yg uangnya diambil dari dompet toko emas, or you will trapped between fussy enthusiastic after school girls. Menarik, menarik saat aku jadi berpikir tiap kali naik angkot atau bus atau apapun aku bakal satu atap sama orang seperti apa.

Or better yet, kamu akan menemukan dirimu menatap apa yang ada di belakang jalan raya melalui pintu yang terbuka atau celah jendela di antara kepala-kepala penumpang lain. Kamu bisa jadi tersenyum saat melihat seorang kakek tua yang berbicara dengan kucing di pinggir jalan, mendapati alismu mengerut saat ada tukang parkir yang bertengkar dengan pedagang buah apel, atau simply kamu terkekeh karena cerita cinta monyet se-geng anak sekolahan.

Melihat ke atas memang bisa menjadi motivasi kehidupanmu, tapi kadang membuatmu lupa untuk bersyukur. Bahwa nggak semua orang seberuntung dirimu. Bahwa banyak yang rela mengorbankan apapun untuk berada di posisimu. Bahwa sesungguhnya semua hal ada untuk disyukuri. In case, then, try take public transportation once.

Bonus pap angkot yang dulu mengantarkanku nyaris kemana saja;

Aku ya ogah pacaran mamel

Karena menurutku,

Membiarkan orang yang kamu sayang meragukan perasaanmu

Itu salah

Dunia memang tidak selalu harus tahu, tapi sesekali kamu harus memberi tahu dunia. It's not for your own sake nor the world's. But, hers

Karena seharusnya sebuah hubungan tidak perlu dipingit. Dan tapi, ya, memang tidak semuanya harus diumbar dan diungkapkan

Tapi

Tapi seharusnya ini juga diungkapkan.

Itu juga salah

Halah

Tapi kita bisa apa
Aku bisa apa.

Do not get tired of me

There is too few people I trust,

so do not get tired of me.

Turning Adult

Sooo it was my birthday couple days ago and I'm grateful for having bunch of angelic people around me. Happy turning 20 for me, wish me all the best, make sure to be one who take a lead, who leave delight impression wherever and whenever it called, be a treasure box for my surrounding, and may the odds be ever in my favor \:D/

And I feel blessed :)

There are times when every love songs seems like make sense

Crap.

Wondering

Well, hello, it is been a long while.
So there is sorta thing happened in house.
And I am wondering
If I fail that time, will the same thing goes for me
Accepting failure is not an easy thing
Facing ones who had anticipated for a joy result is not an easy thing
But one thing I learned
That
Supporting one with failure is not an easy thing
Who said it was easy, come and I will slap you right in the face, with chair, twice.
Actually not everyone know how to support correctly
Rather blaming is an easy choice left
What a short tempered people we have got in this house, eh
I might not be well in words nor gesture
But hey
I know you can do this, just endure it a little, you are almost there.
You're almost there, sis :)

Halo apa kabar?

Sekali lagi, halo apa kabar?

Sedikit dingin di sini, kabar baiknya sekarang sudah memasuki bulan Ramadan dan sudah masuk libur semester genap. Yeah! Mari singkirkan sejenak segala tanggung jawab semester depan selama setidaknya seminggu (aduh)

Yep banyak hal yang telah terjadi, dan aku nyadar kok terlalu banyak awan kelabu menggantung di blog ini haha. Sorry for not sorry but please keep on being my best huge friendly trash bin in sincerity.

Banyak hal yang telah terjadi.

Some said that as we grew older, we realized how much people we can and should filter from our life dan seseorang pernah bilang, semakin dewasa, kita akan semakin lihai mengelabuhi. Life's sucks and I don't wanna grow up at all. Ada seorang teman, yang mungkin sebenarnya kita nggak cocok satu sama lain, tapi kita saling membutuhkan. Hal yang nggak aku suka adalah sikapnya yang kadang kurang bertanggung jawab, dan sikapnya yang semanis gula kalau dia merasa bersalah karena meninggalkan tanggung jawabnya, not to mention another flaws she had or bunch of flaws I myself own, because still, I love this friend. Dan sejujurnya, aku nggak tahu harus bersikap gimana, atau gimana caranya menjelaskan ke orang lain, sekedar buat ngasih saran, atau sekadar untuk mengeluh. I know I'm still that stiff  silly awkward dwarf hikkikomori you once knew and still be. But I love this girl, really. I'm just hoping someday she'd realize it. Someday. Yeah.

And there's this thing happening again with my exo since Kris's lawsuit. Baekhyun spotted for dating with snsd's Taeyeon. And my heart broke (not to mention than Taeyeon is also my ultimate bias in snsd but still it hurts man). Mungkin aku adalah seseorang dari exostan, tapi aku nggak pernah menyukai fandom ini, sama halnya seperti ELF. Mereka labil dan tega menusuk biasnya sendiri dari belakang. Ah, bakal butuh waktu lama dan cerita berlembar-lembar untuk menuliskannya di sini. Dan lagi aku nggak ingin membuka luka lama lol. But it's okay, I'm okay now. I'm broke but it's okay it's not like I can do something really helpful for you and then there she is, patting you wherever you did a good job, stay right beside you wherever you feelin blue. At least I'm happy to know that you have someone like her brings happiness out of you. Please stay strong because this storm will be gone through the time and warm spring breeze is sure to come. Exo saranghaja!

Ip? Ah, lupakan saja hahaha. Alhamdulillah, naik sedikit dari tahun lalu, naik 0,02 but still it's such a relief eh? Hehe. Oh? foto? Tunggu akan kuapload sebentar lagi. Jadi ceritanya, untuk perancangan, ini adalah proyek satu semester, jadi kita disuruh bikin sepeda. Dan taraaa this is my bike :3

Introducing you to Florin!

Jadi Florin adalah sepeda yang didesain khusus untuk anak dengan hobi berkebun. Selain itu, Florin juga mengemban misi mulia untuk mengedukasi anak tentang pentingnya menjaga ruang hijau di sekitar kita. Untuk proses lebih lengkapnya sila kunjungi https://www.facebook.com/FlorinBicycle?ref_type=bookmark :D

Yuk, visit and ride your own garden! (special credit goes to my lil sister Iza for being model dadakan lol)

Dan hal yang lain? Hmm mungkin belum ada, dan aku bertekad untuk menjadi lebih produktif liburan ini, no wacana! Semangat! Dan semangat juga kamu \m/

About Kris's Rumours

I'm not that person who tells everyone whenever they feeling down, I'm not that person who easily turned off the guard. Books, SJ, and EXO are my only company (let's not talk about Allah or family because its a must). I'm not really good with people and they are my only escape. I know it's sounds exaggerrated for some people, but you never walk with their shoes, you'll never know rite. And now it's like I'm flying back to 2009 when Hangeng's case happened. It's never be the same since, the hole is still there. Now, I know it might be just a rumour. Please be a rumour, and please, can any of you guys just stay. Please.

Terlambat menyadari ditambah gengsi sama dengan

Jadi, hai.
Hari ini ayah sengaja dateng jauh-jauh dari kantor juanda ke kosan. Yang mana jaraknya kurang lebih satu jam lima belas menit kalau pakai mobil. Cuma buat nganterin lemari. Terus aku yang entah kenapa lama mbukain pintu dan malah bilang kalau tugas lagi banyak dan malah terkesan buru-buru mau balik kampus. Ayah tanya, "mbak udah makan?" Terus aku bilang "udah". Terus ayah pamitan, beliau mau balik ke kantor. Terus aku masuk, bawa lemari. Pas sampai kamar aku baru nyadar, ayah pasti belum makan, ayah pasti pingin diajak ngobrol, gak cuma sekedar basa-basi dua menit di ruang tamu yang mungkin nggak sebanding sama perjalanan yang ditempuh, ayah nggak maksa, ayah nggak ngajak, ayah cuma tanya, ayah tau aku sibuk. Akunya yang brengsek. Aku langsung lari ke teras, tapi ayah udah nggak ada. Aku mau telepon, tapi semuanya kalah sama ego. Harusnya aku tau ayah ngorbanin jam istirahatnya demi aku, kenapa aku nggak bisa ngeluangin waktu barang setengah jam aja. Aku pingin balik ke tujuh menit yang lalu, cuma sedikit, ini nggak seperti aku mau balik ke tujuh tahun yang lalu. Tapi aku lupa, waktu, sama kayak swalayan yang lagi ngadain diskon; barang yang sudah dibeli tidak bisa dikembalikan. Jadi disinilah aku, cuma bisa nangis sambil ngetik, cukup pengecut buat sekedar menelepon dan ngajak makan ayah.
Kita nggak pernah tau kalau hal yang paling sederhana sanggup menusuk segini dalamnya.

Introducing my (another) new boys

Soo here we go again, how are you guys? I'm good. I know I'm writing this pretty late but I'm in love with 12 cute fussy gang of boys named EXO. Yep it's just another boyband. At first I kinda dislike this group because it quite resemble suju and I don't like it how people keep saying they are the next successor and suju is just out of date. As an ELF how do you think I could possibly bear with that? Honestly they make me felt uneasy why suju aren't 13 again why does things goes this way for them and etcetera, I know I'm quite exaggerate but you know I might be the most stiff-stubborn person you've ever met, so, yeah, it took me a while to acknowledge them though I'm sure I couldn't be the only one teehe.

As time passing by they were everywhere on internet so I can't just ignoring them eh. And in the end I'm giving up and took my guard downs, so nah here boys welcome to mama :>

The last (and first) time kpop made me into a freak-fangirl stage is suju. Now EXO bring me back to those memories. And surprisingly, I kinda miss this old side of me. Being fangirl is a bliss.

What I love about EXO is they have such a perfect concept. From logo up to fashion they had prepared well. SM had thought it for real apparently, I always love the concept. By the way, first time I enter this fandom my big question was "How am I supposed to pick bias out of this boys?!" seriously it was pretty hard since they whole good looking and all. It was not hard for picking the first bias, but the second was, uh, I ended up putting 2 biases as my second bias lol. So the first is Baek Hyun-- already fallen for him since the very start. And the second is DO and Chanyeol. But overall, I love them all teehe. Maybe they're not as funny as suju when it comes to variety, they weren't do that well in performance yet either, but they still have a hope. It's too early to decide that, and they debuted in different era, so let's not comparing both of them since I like both very much. Having something you obsessed with is lighten up your life, it's nice tho. Bring it on, boys XD

Today trivia:
When I entered this fandom I just realize that I always picking up bias named after "Hyun". Nah lol.

Kyu Hyun, Jong Hyun, Baek Hyun

Proposing me is not that difficult

This is exactly what I want for my future-to-be. It doesn't have to be big, exaggerate way. I prefer such a sweet little surprise, and honesty. Note it! B)

Aside of that, I looove this K.will's mv. And yes, Chanyeol's expression is just a little bit too silly lol. It was hard to capture the best of him actually, haha. Love him anyway <3

Fangirl-me

"Being a fangirl is a bliss"

So here I am writing this because people often misjudged us, and pardon me I might be losing myself on my exaggerated style of writing, but once again it's up to you whether you want to read it or no. 

Fangirl. Yes. People might be judging negatively about us. But we don't care. I don't care. As for your information, being a fangirl not only belong on k-pop stuffs. I fangirling over books and fictional characters too. And some authors maybe. And my life seems perfect with them. I think it's natural having things you love. Am I an introvert person? Sometimes yes, but I think there are times when I'm not. Fangirl is just like common people since almost everybody barely acknowledge them. We might be have our own world but it's not that we didn't need you people in our main world. Some says to understand someone, you have to walk with their shoes. Sooo, in a way ahead, treat us better, okay? :)

Just as a my-own-reminder-for-later and as-i-remember-by-now. Currently-and past- stuffs I've been fangirling over are: (maybe it's wiser for dividing them through categories lol)

Music stuffs: Super Junior, CN Blue, Goose House, JKT48 (it's pretty hard to admit but hell implicitly yes)

Books: harry potter, percy jackson, heroes of olympus series, divergent series, ouran kouou host club

Authors: rick riordan, he's so funny even with sarkasm

And maybe there are so much more in appleskymemories.tumblr.com since I do fangirl stuffs on that blog

Rumah rasa kosan

Literally dan technically, karena semua orang rumah pada liburan. aku? trapped, doing all this crap assignments haha. Padahal rencananya pulang bawa tugas supaya ada yang masakin, ada yang bangunin, ada yang ngingetin, ada yang bisa dibentak kalau lagi bete. Yah dunia memang kejam (part 1).
Lalu ada kejadian ini: sakit gigi. Damn blame everything to geraham dewasa, dia tumbuh mendorong gigi-gigi depannya. Di tiga spot: Kanan atas, kanan bawah, kiri atas. What a !*^#(^$%*!)@ right? Masalahnya adalah sakitnya sepanjang hari dan itu sangat mengganggu kehidupanku. Dan guess what dentist told me? "Ini tempat buat tumbuhnya nggak cukup soalnya rahangnya kan kecil, kalaupun bisa tumbuh dia bakal tumbuh nggak normal, soalnya tempatnya nggak cukup (iya diulangi lagi)". Dunia memang kejam (part 2)
Ah rumah tidak pernah sesepi ini.
Aku lapar.

Another vacancy opened for real, now. like now.

I'm sick of this
I'm sick of that
I'm sick of you
I'm sick of being sick

well done.

Suti (bukan nama sebenarnya)

Time goes by, people come and go. And it's okay because we learned who we can trust on.

Karena ini terlalu memalukan untuk diucapkan. Dan karena aku terlalu malu untuk mengatakannya.

Iya, jadi kami sudah berteman cukup lama. Cukup lama untuk mengetahui kerusakan masing-masing dan cukup lama untuk mengerti kehinaan masing-masing. Kami bukan tipe teman yang selalu bersama, kami terpaut dua tahun (iya, dia sudah tua) dan kami punya kehidupan sendiri-sendiri, lalu? sederhana, kami cuma berbagi cerita, secuil dari kehidupan. Ringkasnya, hubungan kami dapat diakumulasikan dari kencan (dalam makna konotatif) di malang tempo dulu, mulai pertama kali dilaksanakan sampai acara tersebut ditiadakan--dan sampai sekarang. Dan kalau diibaratkan, mungkin dia sama seperti tong sampah. Tong sampah awet-dan-mahal-semacam-yang-dijual-di-ace-hardware pribadiku. Nggak peduli seberapa menyebalkannya aku, seberapa besarnya kadar keras kepalaku, seberapa membosankannya ceritaku, seberapa banyak dramaku, dia selalu bisa menjadi pendengar baik, pelanggan setia channel dunia ruwet versiku. Dan kalau ada program adopsi-sendiri-kakak-perempuan-idealmu mungkin dia adalah calon terkuat. Mungkin otaknya memang sedikit konslet, tapi entahlah, dia adalah salah satu opsi yang menyenangkan untuk menghabiskan waktumu. Dan aku cuma bisa bilang terima kasih. ありがとう　心から . 次は僕が皆に シアワセ  贈るよ~

Jadi ceritanya, kemarin kami habis menyempatkan diri untuk bertemu dan sekedar cerita singkat, setelah sekian lama. Dan setelah sekian lama jomblo, akhirnya dia punya pacar. Selamat dan semoga berbahagia selalu. Dan harus ada eskrim dan salad apel di resepsimu nanti.

Dan ngomong-ngomong, sejujurnya itu memang nama sebenarnya, lol, jk.

Dan akupun pulang bertelanjang kaki

Ini hari yang lumayan berat. Nggak semua hal yang direncanakan berjalan sesuai rencana. Semesta punya beberapa kejutan rupanya. Dan catatan untuk lain kali aku perlu menyiapkan rencana cadangan. Dan mungkin rencana cadangan untuk rencana cadangan.
Jadi, seperti biasa aku sudah menyusun jadwal hari ini. Dan hampir semuanya gagal. Nasib itu lucu ya.
Hampir semuanya berantakan, dan aku kececeran. Tugas yang nggak jadi terjamah, pengurusan stnk yang dipersulit, hp mati, hujan yang awet, batal nemenin evan, salah naik angkot, kehabisan ojek, pakai sandal flip flop yang notabene tidak ergonomis untuk digunakan berjalan dalam jarak jauh, dan akupun pulang bertelanjang kaki.
Tetap saja, ada beberapa hal yang bisa disyukuri, dan perlu dipelajari :))

I'm in love-hate with wet season

I don't know its just like all those memories flowing back again. I know i mentioned before that wet season and all its rain and grey clouds and chill breeze and emotionally enthusiastic sky is my season. Its just.. Crap. I should have know that rain's breeze brings whatever they like. Back and forth. Rain saves all our memories apparently and mostly. But yeah it's okay now, I'm fine. I just don't like that nostalgic scent. I just don't like recent air. I just don't like being reminded of you. Yet this season is still the season of mine. I'm not gonna let it ruined by stuffy.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Dan aku masih nggak tau apa yang akan kulakukan.