Turning 26

I turned 26 today.

I spent my day alone. I know I'd planned to stay alone this day, I even didn't go to my grandma's place like my family did. Little did I know it'd be this lonely.

I spent my day working my ass off. I didn't even know if my hard work will paid off but I did my utmost. At least for me, most of the times universe works differently.

I bought my favorite cheesecake today. I've been wanting to eat one but it's pretty expensive thus I decided to only eat it on special occasions. Turned out, it tasted surprisingly ordinary. I didn't know whether it was the cake or me.

I still got a few friends congratulating me and it made me a little bit happy.

I think today was okay. Nothing special to be honest, or maybe it was just me developed numb feelings.

Although maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be a little bit more special on this day.

Happy birthday, me.

It could be worse

Hi! It's been a while.

Suddenly I just remembered that it had been a year since the whole thing turned upside down. Suddenly I remembered him asking what I wanted for my birthday and said "I'd buy anything for you". That got me astonished, "Like, really, anything?" I asked. "Yup anything, as long as I could get it for you, I'd give you anything" he replied as he hugged me. I was on the verge of my tears, no one ever said things like that to me before. I was touched by his kind words and soft gaze. But my heart was aching because I knew back then that our time was close. My mind went blank and I jokingly said "I want two billions then" because really, I didn't really wanted anything but him. He just laughed my joke off.

On my birthday he gave me a pen tablet that I'd been wanted to get but I couldn't. It might be the most expensive birthday gift I've ever received. It felt so grand, I was overwhelmed and couldn't really say anything. That was when he said "I couldn't give you two billions, but at least I hope this pen tablet could help you to get it". I remembered I was on tears back then. I had mixed emotion because of him cheated on me but still treated me like I was the most precious person in the world to him. Well, we broke up and I lost my job later, but if it was not for that pen tablet, I wouldn't have known what I would do with my life today. It could be worse.

I came back home on January for good, hoping everything will get better but alas, the pandemic stroke bad. I felt like a mess, a garbage mess. Until oneday, my friend said to me "You're so blessed, you came back right before the pandemic were here". It really felt like a huge revelation because I'd been questioning my self-worth alot those days. Later, my parents said "Thank God you're home now, we couldn't imagine you being alone at your flat, faraway from home in this situation". I felt that because me too. I'd had hourly suicidal thoughts if I were still on that old place. It could be worse.

It felt like things went downhill, but in an order. I still a huge ball of mess but I think this is fine. What else I could do, I just need to live with it. I lost a few things I dear the most and he got what I'd lost; a significant other and a stable job which he deserved to get the latter. Sometimes I missed the memories, I felt like I was loved for a brief of moment. The other times, I missed him so hard, just like this. Well, at least I'm still alive. Life could be worse.

I just realized

...that you sugarcoat things.

It is not okay to two-timing and acted like nothing happened. Said that it might be better that way for me, that your family forced you to do it. It was not, no one pressured you. You were absolutely capable to make your own choice. And you chose her; you wanted to let go of me from the very start. You should've just told me that you didn't want me anymore, that you were seeing other girl. Instead you wanted everything to be alright, you wanted it to be a perfect goodbye, as if you forced us to part in good term, the truth was it wasn't. That was totally not okay, or at least for me. You put that white lies as a mask, your kindness too, it was just so that you can get rid the feeling of uneasy from doing the wrong things. You thought that you were considering me but not, you were just wanted to save yourself. I thought you knew me well, but after all this time, what were my feeling to you? You're cruel just like that. I shouldn't have put too much trust in you.

That's the way it was, no need to sugarcoat anything. Stop normalize cheating. I don't need your white lies anymore.

It hurts.

And you said that you were sure that we won't be broken up because of third party but still, you were with her.

You said that you can't go on without me that you need my presence but still,  you left.

Recently it's been extremely hard to love myself. Like I am and will never be enough. Like I'm the dumbest person on the planet. I saw this coming but still, I stayed. I wished you stopped normalized cheating like there's any reasonable excuse out there. I wished I had listened to my intuition. I wished I had enough courage to let go.

I hate this side of me. I hate this.

I even hate all of this because I can't say anything to anyone and let it left in on the drafts. It still hurts.