I just realized

...that you sugarcoat things.

It is not okay to two-timing and acted like nothing happened. Said that it might be better that way for me, that your family forced you to do it. It was not, no one pressured you. You were absolutely capable to make your own choice. And you chose her; you wanted to let go of me from the very start. You should've just told me that you didn't want me anymore, that you were seeing other girl. Instead you wanted everything to be alright, you wanted it to be a perfect goodbye, as if you forced us to part in good term, the truth was it wasn't. That was totally not okay, or at least for me. You put that white lies as a mask, your kindness too, it was just so that you can get rid the feeling of uneasy from doing the wrong things. You thought that you were considering me but not, you were just wanted to save yourself. I thought you knew me well, but after all this time, what were my feeling to you? You're cruel just like that. I shouldn't have put too much trust in you.

That's the way it was, no need to sugarcoat anything. Stop normalize cheating. I don't need your white lies anymore.

It hurts.

And you said that you were sure that we won't be broken up because of third party but still, you were with her.

You said that you can't go on without me that you need my presence but still,  you left.

Recently it's been extremely hard to love myself. Like I am and will never be enough. Like I'm the dumbest person on the planet. I saw this coming but still, I stayed. I wished you stopped normalized cheating like there's any reasonable excuse out there. I wished I had listened to my intuition. I wished I had enough courage to let go.

I hate this side of me. I hate this.

I even hate all of this because I can't say anything to anyone and let it left in on the drafts. It still hurts.